This is the writing of the whiner's bio... [entries|friends|calendar] Amber Len. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Meet Mark. [01 Sep 2008|11:59am] [ mood | peaceful ] I'm looking into selling Mark makeup. would anyone be interested in it? I'll have my own webpage to sell it, so even if you don't live near me you'll still be able to purchase from me and have it sent directly to you. i just want to check and see if i have any people who know they'd be interested in it, i know i have a few friends on here that i don't have any other sort of contact with. either way, let me know. :) 1 mkaythanks. | …?

let's talk about how much i hate una. [31 Aug 2008|12:03pm] [ mood | hopeful ] so things have not been going too well here. i'm trying my darnest to like it, but right now it's just hard. i've only been here two weeks, though, so hopefully it'll get better. however, right now...the main thing i deal with is the fact that i can't find the chill people that aren't stuck up some upperclassman's butt trying to get into a sorority. so i hope and pray that once recruitment week is over, things will get better. since i don't care to pay all this money just to have friends and a t-shirt, i basically have no one but will, and though i absolutely love him, i need some girls. good thing is that i have my dorm to myself for labor day weekend. kiara went home, so i can just hang out and not feel like i'm walking on eggshells. she got upset with me thursday night because i don't sleep. she's goes to bed between nine and eleven every night and i usually get about three or four hours of sleep, but there's not much i can do about that now. i am looking forward to the year, though. i just know if really can't get much worse than this. people will be nicer and girls will get over the "i can only talk to girls who want to be in a sorority" thing! is has to, right? i'm being really optimistic. ilu! …?

*sigh* First day... [17 Aug 2008|12:12am] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | America's Best Dance Crew on TV, baby!! ] Well, I just moved in to my dorm at UNA. I know I haven't really written in this recently...or in the past 5 months...but I feel like maybe this will help deal with the stress of being somewhere new. I hate it, but I got a roommate I don't know. Kylie withdrew about three weeks before she was supposed to move in. Anyway, her name is Kiara. She's really sweet from what I can tell, but sometimes she just doesn't want to talk. Ha! It's kinda awkward. I just talk to her all the time anyway. I feel bad because she's already asleep and I'm sitting here probably bothering her because I'm typing on a laptop, watching TV and the light is on on my side of the room. I just feel like she's gonna hate me. I guess we'll see! I start classes the 20th. I'm not too terribly worried about that, but I should be. Especially considering I don't have my books yet. AH! I need to get on that. Oh! And I'm updating on my new MacBook that I freakin LOVE. It's great. Seriously. Oh my gosh. I think my roommate just have a seizure or something. I don't know what just happened. ...maybe it was a sign that she was gonna kill me if I don't quit typing and turn out the light. :) I am so nervous about this. I'm being ridiculous. 1 mkaythanks. | …?

Money runs my life...and I hate it. [17 Feb 2008|08:50pm] [ mood | pessimistic ] I hate stressing out, yet I do it all the time. I have major money stresses. Last semester I was making $400-$500 a paycheck. I'd spend it like crazy, none of it on anything tangible, of course, but I'd just blow it all away. Now, I'm making about $250, yet I still spend like that. My dad has put all my bills on me to take care of, but he gives me $500 a month. The only thing is, I pay all my bills out of that. So...I have about $360...really closer to $400 in bills, but I'm usually so broke I spend the rest of that in gas since we moved so freakin far away from everything/everyone. I'm also saving up to pay for Nicaragua. March 2nd I have to pay $500 on it, I have $400 of that, but that'll soon be gone...then I have another $1,000 due in June, and I'm also supposed to be moving into an apartment around then. I just really don't know what's wrong with me... I feel so helpless. To sum it all up, I have about $900 to my name and I can't spend a dime of it, and I need a new phone service, but I can't pay for the phone I want, and the other ones (free ones and cheap ones) always break very easily with me. I am so stressed out. I don't get paid again until friday and I have $7.00 in my checking account (the only account I can freely spend money out of...) Fin. …?

[27 Nov 2007|07:18pm] HOOTERS. …?

I feel sick. [05 Nov 2007|07:32pm] [ mood | my head hurts. ] I am to that point right now that I'm ready to get whereever it is I'm going. I'm tired of college, of work, of people, of my parents, of my life in general. I've had a migraine for a week now, and I'm literally to the point that I don't wanna get out of bed or do anything except lie here in agony and in pain and pity myself. but no one will pity me... ...not even my boyfriend [who when I told about the migraine said "Oh, okay. Do you wanna come over for a little bit?"] but I don't really need the pity, I really just need a break, and no one will give me that unless they truly pity me. What I Really Want: I want to be able to spend time with my family. I want to read a good book. I want to give a crap about something that's worthwhile. I want to go look at apartments. I want to get the hell out of here. I want to feel like what I'm doing is worth it in the long run. I want a set major and actually be excited about. I want my migraine to finally stop. I want to feel like there's more to life than work and school, because that's all I'm seeing right now. I think I mentioned in a previous post that my English teacher thinks I'm a horrible writer. Well, when I was talking to someone else about this they said "Everyone who is good at anything has gone through hardships to get there. Don't give up." This past paper I wrote for her, I made a 99, and she said it was the best she has received from anyone. I know that's not necessarily saying that I'm out of the hardships, but it's definitely a glimpse of the sun through the clouds. Also, I think I'm going to paint. I've always drawn and taken interest in various other arts, but I've recently painted in one of my classes, and have actually enjoyed it a lot. So I'm thinking about picking that up in the next few months or so when I get the time, I guess. There's a lot of stuff I should be doing, but I'm just about to go to bed. Goodnight all. …?

[05 Sep 2007|12:21am] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | An amazing mix I made. ] It seems so weird how you went eighteen years without something [or really, in this case, someone] and then once you finally have that thing or person, you wonder how you ever lived without it or them in the first place. 2 mkaythanks. | …?

I cried more today than I have in a LONG time. [08 Aug 2007|01:50am] [ mood | crushed ] I don't know why, but my life just pretty much came crashing down this weekend, and I'm gonna cry the entire time typing this. Oh, and at the end of it, you'll think it's the dumbest thing ever. I'm almost sorry I'm even gonna type it. Well, to start off, and I'm going to make this brief, but Ash came home from Colorado...FINALLY. I had worked it out to have her boyfriend here when she flew in. She was excited, as was I, but I never really got to spend time with her. Despite the fact that she's been away at college for 3 years now, it's still extremely hard for me. She's the only one who has ALWAYS been there and knows exactly what it's like to be in my shoes in pretty much everything. So it's really hard every time she leaves. It was especially hard being completely without her for 2 months, and then I didn't even get to see her for the 3 days she was home. I just felt like I was not even remotely important. She just stayed with Chris the entire time, which I knew would happen in the back of my mind, but still I'm her sister, so I was hoping that maybe I'd be a little more included in her schedule, but I wasn't at all. It just broke my heart. She left for school today, that's what started my crying. Next, I went and ate with Will. I felt really bad for him because he has no money, so I paid for it, despite the fact that I didn't eat. Then after I took him back to work, I went and bought him some stuff like shampoo, hand soap, and shaving cream [because he was out and had no money to go get any] and then I bought him candy and a movie he wanted and this cute little spiderman light...just because I love him and because I wanted to. Well, I was supposed to come over tonight and bring his surprises. Guess who got ditched and blatantly lied to? Yeah, that'd be me. Guess who's taking back all that shit and getting her money back? Yep, that'd be me, too. Then, I found out someone really close to me is a lesbian. I'm completely okay with this, by the way. It's a little shocking. Actually, I don't think she is a lesbian. I'm pretty sure it's just a phase. She gets into these "phases" where she becomes whoever it is that she's hanging out with. She said she's never been attracted to another girl except this one, and that's fine. I'm okay with that, but I'm sure she's gonna get out of this relationship and wonder what the hell she was thinking. Again, I don't mean to bash homosexuality. I have homosexual friends and are cool with it. This is just different. I know her too well. I don't know. I don't wanna post her name, otherwise most of you would understand. It wasn't the news that upset me. It was me meeting her girlfriend that did. Her appearance was horrific in several ways that I don't want to go into, but she seemed really nice. However, sadly, she completely embarrassed me in every way possible by being loud and obnoxious in public places, and would do horribly disgusting things. It just really got to me. I can't further explain it, and I don't want to, it was just a bad experience altogether. Shortly after that I realized Will lied to me. I pretty much lost it then and went and sat in a Walgreen's parking lot until Zane came and held me while I cried because pretty much no one else gave a damn. 2 mkaythanks. | …?

Finally got my internet up and running again..yay for me. [02 Aug 2007|08:39pm] [ music | Bourne Identity on TV. ] I actually have wireless now and I'm on my lovely laptop...sitting at home..for the 3rd night in a row. I'm on livejournal, so obviously it's time for another damn rant. So, it's wonderful to have a boyfriend, right? Someone to talk to...hang out with...blah blah blah blah...whatever. I've been so happy in my relationship with Will. Seriously, since Brandon, I never thought I'd be able to get back in another relationship and actually be in it all the way. I used to have the habit of comparing guys to Brandon [I know I've been over all this in earlier posts]...but of course, I haven't done that with Will. Again, let me reiterate, everything has mostly gone great with Will. Well, here recently, I've seriosuly wanted to slap him in the face. If anyone read my blog on myspace about getting their priorities straight, this is what that's about. Will plays World of Warcraft. I don't care normally. It's really not that big of a deal. It only becomes a big deal when he chooses to play it when I'm at his apartment hanging out, or expects me to come over at ridiculous hours like 10 or 11 [which I can't do by the way, my parents aren't comfortable with me leaving my house that late]. Just this past week, his roommates went out of town, so he promised we'd hang out a lot and watch movies in the living room on the big TV and he'd cook me dinner and we'd just have a nice night together. I looked forward to this because I love spending time with him, even if we don't go anywhere. Well, the only times I've seen him since they left has been when I picked him up and drove him around because his car broke down. Tuesday he got his car back. I went over there that night just because I was bored and my parents were driving me crazy. He told me he was gonna be on WoW for a little bit, so I went and laid in his bed and watched TV. I got there at about 8. I fell asleep. He woke me up at 2 [yes, he was on there that ENTIRE time] and I went home. The next day I stopped by and watched a little bit of Little Miss Sunshine on TV, then tonight, he called me earlier and told me he wanted me to come over and we'd watch a movie, but then when I got home after a day of shopping, he tells me I can come over at 10 or 11 because he has stuff to do on there. It's seriously ridiculous. Again, I know that's what he's into, and I understand. I know people have things they like to do, and I'm not one to force anyone [not even my boyfriend] to stop. That's who Will is, and I love him, but it just kills me when he chooses it over reality, his real life. Honestly, Brandon did the same thing with Magic the Gathering. I try to be understanding about it. I try to get over it, but it's just one of those things that really gets under my skin because if I were to ever get into something like that and choose it over him, he would get upset. Gah, I feel so gay whining about something like this. 2 mkaythanks. | …?

[23 Jul 2007|05:12pm] Ih8TyraBanks. 2 mkaythanks. | …?

Ever just begin to believe that something is really wrong with you? [23 Jul 2007|11:51am] [ mood | bitchy and PMS-y ] Okay, I know all girls have PMS for the most part, and that's normal, but what would be considered normal PMS? Of course, PMS is the one and only time girls can actually be a bitch and have no one say anything about it, but mine always nearly costs me my relationship and causes me to get in trouble. Let me recap the past week...especially the past couple of days. So starting Saturday the 14th: My grandpa is in from South Carolina, and I'm just in a unexplainable horrible mood. Instead of sticking around to visit, I head off for my dad's. No one is home, and for some reason, I find comfort in that. I fall asleep immediately upon arriving. This is weird for me. I think I sleep too much as it is. The next day, instead of getting up and going to church, my bad mood is still present. I snap at anyone that calls me or talks to me. I didn't go to church. I just didn't feel like it. I stay by myself all day long...cruddy feeling and hateful to all, until my dad and little sister get home. We watch a movie and everything is back to normal. I feel relieved and head home, but right when I get home the mood sets back in. Will calls, and I just wanna sit there on the phone. I don't wanna talk, and I don't want him to get off the phone, but he finally gets fed up and gets off the phone. I send him a hateful text message while my mom yells at me for ignoring everything she's saying and somehow I fall asleep..early again. I blame this all on PMS, though I'm not sure I can. I shouldn't actually start until Wednesday July 25th. I don't know how most girls' PMS works, but I don't know if it should start this early. Well, I had random episodes like that all week. I would be a bitch, but then apologize to make everything better. Mostly I did it to Will, but I did actually go off on Kylie and Skooter a time or two. Which I NEVER go off on Kylie. The closer my period gets the worse they get. This past Saturday for example: I wake up. I'm supposed to hang out with Will, but not until that night. I pretty much woke up pissed for whatever reason, so I'm snapping at everyone. I get ready, knowing I won't see Will until later that night, but I pretty much go hang out with myself all day, but I just grow extremely tired and had no desire to be there (at the mall) or go home..or sit down..or stand up. It was the weirdest feeling. I drove to target, and literally sat in my car. Will calls me and I go off on him about absolutely nothing. He sounded so horrible because he had no idea what he had done and he just kept apologizing. It made me feel horrible, so I just stopped talking. I didn't want to apologize and I didn't want him to get off the phone, but he did, and I don't blame him. Then I go home, and watch a movie by myself. I get in a good mood, go pick up Will, and run some errands. We're in an excellent mood, and everything is going great. Then Will points out something that makes himj nervous about my driving. I go off and get upset and I just really don't wanna be with him anymore. He just stopped talking. When I get like this, usually I just need a minute to chill out. After begging me to stop acting like this, he just gave up. I started trying to goof off again, but it didn't help. I couldn't even figure out why I got so upset about it. We get back to his apartment where we were supposed to watch a movie...and he just jumps out of my car, so I left and waited for him to call me and ask me to come back over. He calls, but I pretty much have to beg him to come back over. I do, and everything is okay. Sunday: I picked Will up for church and we spent the entire day together. Everything goes great until we're back at his apartment after church and our day at the mall and what not, and I start going off about how he cooks noodles. I don't know why. It didn't bother me. We were both goofing off and having fun. He just ignores it, though, and says he's sorry (he's such a good boyfriend) but here's where it takes a turn for the worst: I lay down start watching a movie..well, the end of a movie (we had put on Lord of the Rings), and he comes in there and lays down with me. We fall asleep. I wake up. He wakes up. He wants to go play WoW because he doesn't wanna sleep. I said it was cool and wanted to go to sleep. So I do for an hour and a half. I wake up and realize he's on the computer. This infuriates me. I have no idea why. I get up and change back into my clothes (I was wearing his to provide for some EXTRA comfort. :) ) The whole time I'm slamming stuff and making sure he knows I'm up. Apparently it didn't work. He moves to the 360 and starts playing guitar hero. I get my stuff and start walking out the door. He pauses the game and runs to the door and asks me what's wrong. I just start going off and whining and telling hi how shitty of a boyfriend he was (which he's not) and this seriously goes on for like 20 minutes before I just go lay down again. He comes in there and tries to talk to me but I just end up crying. I never cry. I hate crying, and worst of all, I can't even explain why I'm crying. It just happens. I know this is PMS. He tries to talk to me, but I just end up crying harder. I feel so psychotic at this point. He knows he's done nothing wrong, but he's hanging in there. He thinks I'm just extremely unhappy being with him, and I'm not at all, but I can't bring myself to talk. I just wanna lay there and cry. It continued on a little longer until he just lays down with me and watches TV. But it's seriously becoming unbearable. I don't even dread the whole period part of my mentrual cycle, now I dread the uncontrollable bitchy-ness that I know is gonna cost me something eventually. I guess I was hoping to get some feed back from some random girls to see if this is normal or if this is severe compared to some other girls. The girls I am around constantly do not have it this bad if at all. And if you do have it this bad, is there some medication you can take? Like does midol help with the moodiness and shit or is it just strictly cramping and what not? I don't know. I feel horrible. This isn't me. If you know me, I'm generally a happy joking person. I hardly ever get mad and nothing as little as anything I talked about gets to me. But as you can see in these examples..EVERYTHING gets to me. It's ridiculous. Someone help, please. 7 mkaythanks. | …?

[10 Jul 2007|10:31pm] . …?

Why I've recently had the urge to shoot myself: [10 Jun 2007|08:48pm] -My shitty job. -My shitty living situation -My shitty attitude about the above. -My shitty situation that I refuse to discuss on here. I guess that's pretty much it. As you can see, all of it is..well..shitty. 1 mkaythanks. | …?

ohdearohdearohdearohdear [07 Jun 2007|05:07pm] [ mood | enthralled ] I just cut all my hair off. 2 mkaythanks. | …?

AHH!! [23 May 2007|09:35am] [ mood | ecstatic ] I AM GRADUATING TODAY!! 3 mkaythanks. | …?

Untitled. [20 May 2007|05:50pm] [ mood | i can't even begin to explain ] [ music | various artists. ] So this is the week I've been nervous about, looking forward to, and just completely dreaded. First off, it's graduation. I'm stoked, but nervous. It just feels so final. I almost miss high school. Just the carefree part of it. College is bound to be awesome, but not as laid back, I fear. Just one more step and I'm in the world. Scary, huh? Then the beach...finally. I'm so excited about that, also. There's not really a downside to that. Friends, sand, ocean, sun...it's gonna rock. Now the dreading part... Tomorrow is the year anniversary of the death of Brittany Keel, one of the most precious people to me. I've cried everyday this week dreading it. It just makes it so official. I've spent this year without her, and I can't believe it. It just feels like it's all happening over again. I pray that her mom, sister, dad, and other friends deal with it well. It's hard to believe it's been that long. In church this morning, they sang "I Can Only Imagine". It reminded me SO much of her. One, because she loved the song, and two because of the lines "Will I dance before you Jesus? Or in awe of You be still?". I've always imagined that she dances around His throne, because that's what she loved, but more than that, she loved God and I just imagine now...she's finally reaching His throne, and she's in awe of Him, and she doesn't dance, but just embraces her Lord, the one she served for her years on earth. And though I miss her terribly, I know she wouldn't want it any other way. I'm so happy for her, but still, I'm a selfish human, and even, a year later, the tears still flow like it was yesterday. I miss her more than anything, and there's nothing I would not do to just be able to turn back time, even if it were all to happen again, just to be able to tell her I love her again and hug her one more time. I miss you, girl. Keep dancing and smiling. 2 mkaythanks. | …?

[15 May 2007|12:43pm] So now, it's all brought back into the mix. Should I go to Mobile or not? I made the mistake of telling my sister that sometimes I wish I was, and she decided to tell me parents, which made them basically decide for me and go ahead and call UM and tell them I'm still interested and my mom pretty much tried to force me to go, but now I have the decision to myself. :D So the following are my reasons to go...and not to go: Not to go: -I have a steady/stable life here. -I'm a big family girl. -My little sister is growing up, and I like seeing her do that. -It's so far away. -My car doesn't have cruise control. -Though it has a good education department, it is not necessarily highly regarded on an application such as UNA or Athens State. -I don't know anyone going. -I finally got into a relationship I'm completely happy in. (I know that shouldn't weigh into it at all, and I'm trying to not let it, but it's hard. Probably if he wasn't involved, I would just pack up and go. I know my family would be here when I get back, and they'd support me going...but I wouldn't ask him to stay with me, I know he'd support me, but I'd feel bad asking him to try having a girlfriend 5 hours away...which leads me to my next point...) -Kylie will never forgive me (since we were supposed to get an apartment together...) -I have a good job here. -I'll miss too many people. -It's so expensive. To go: -It's the only college campus I have actually adored and could actually see myself going there (unlike UNA). -If I stay here, I'm more than likely going to focus on getting a full-time job and moving out...which will hardly ever leave me time to go to class and make perfect grades!! -My parents will be disappointed if I don't go. -If I don't, I'll be stuck here forever. (I plan to raise a family here..depending on how built up it is when I decide to settle down, but I at least want to have lived elsewhere once in my life..) -I hate taking the easy way out, and staying would be the easy way out. -I like change. -I feel it's where God wants me, considering it was brought back up like this out of nowhere and I'm having to make this decision last minute. -I'm gonna end up there anyway if that's truly where God wants me. -I got a very good scholarship there. -It was the only place I got a scholarship. haha! -I absolutely LOVE the dorms, which is ridiculous, no? -My mom said I can try it for just a year, if I absolutely hate it that first year, I can come home and she'll never make me go back. Yeah...I think I'm pretty much gonna end up going, and that scares the life out of me. …?

[14 May 2007|11:53pm] My life is pretty much ridiculous. …?

umm... [10 May 2007|11:55am] There are mexicans on my roof. &&there are some on the ground walking around my house. ...they keep waving at me through the windows. I think I'm being invaded..and abducted. it was nice to know you all. taco, anyone? …?

There's nothing that I can do for you you can't do for yourself... [08 May 2007|11:19pm] I had my senior banquet tonight. I was almost sad about it. Looking back on it, I really wish I would have focused more on school and what not when I had the chance. Basically, I spent all my time focused on Brandon or my job. I know I could've had so many more scholarships and gone really anywhere I wanted to go had I actually applied myself. It sucks. I also wish I was going to Mobile. I don't know why. I know I was so excited about it to begin with, then I changed my mind. When I decided to go there...I started feeling like when I left for college, I pretty much died to everyone in Huntsville. It scared me. Like I was counting down the days until I died. It was horrible. I think that's why I backed out. I just miss the thought of getting away from here. I don't know why. I love Huntsville, but I feel like if I don't get out soon, I'm never going to. I just wish everything would chill out so I can relax and be happy again. I'm generally such a happy person..but the world won't let me be that person. 2 mkaythanks. | …?

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